Entry tags:

robot faggotry

THE WEEKEND OF HOOPER
(or, Hooper's OTFCC 2003 Review Gimmick)
(or: McFly "indignant" SHE DROPPED IT ON MY DICK!)

FRIDAY: LET'S SEE YOU BUILD A MOTHERFUCKING RAILROAD!
"You're the worst song in the world, played on the ugliest guitar." - Hooper_X, after achewood.com

BOTCON WELCOMING COMMITTEE.


I got to Hartsfield International Airport around 7AM, since my flight left at 9:55. It was a bit surreal flying to the 'con, because I've always had pretty much as much space as I needed to carry clothes, toys, etc., and this year I've got EVERYTHING shoved into my little rolly-case deal. (I had Suspsy's Gordosaur as my other carry-on item, you know.)
Anyway, the entire trip up, I was sort of doubting the whole deal. There were times I seriously thought about calling my ride and getting a refund for my ticket.

Oh well.

I got on the plane, and was seated next to a pretty cute waitress from Florida who had just come back from Vegas, which she spoke of glowingly. She was very nice, and shared her tic-tacs and gum and HOMEMADE COOKIES HOLY SHIT with me. The Weekend of Hooper had begun. So yeah, Anne Marie, if you're reading this, you are awesome, sister.

Eventually set down in Chicago and made my way through O'Hare, which is laid out like some kind of crazy-ass Dungeons & Dragons scenario map thing. BEWARE THE TROLL LAIR IN GATE H6!!! All kinds of nooks and crannies and basically it's like they expanded the airport wherever they could fit new stuff on whenever they needed to do it, so the whole thing looks like a crazy-ass octopus or ameoba or something from the air.

There were panhandlers in the airport.

Boxed Zoids look really neat going through an x-ray machine, by the way.

Eventually got to the hotel, and found most of the WiiGii! crew on the second floor of the lobby. Some kid had a Unicron and we made it give the metal sign and the finger. We dicked around for a LONG time, until they opened registration and hotel-toy checkin. Tim (aka z4nd4r), my chief roomie for the weekend (not to discount the awesome contributions of ytse and obs, mind you, but the room was in tim's name) didn't show up for a longass while, so I ran around and freaked out because I had nowhere to put my luggage and M "By the way, thanks, dude!" Sipher was nice enough to drive my suit up from Atlanta so it wouldn't get wrinkled on the plane. Which means my suit was in his suite. Aheh.

At one point, we were all hanging out by the escalator, and Special Botcon Buddy Walky comes up and is all "Uh, guys? See that wall over there? I need you to go stand by it."
Which is a bit... rude for Walky. So I'm all "Walky, are you asking us as a botcon official or are you telling us as a dick?"
"Well, Hoop, since it's you, it's as a dick."
"Oh. Well, fuck you, then."
Everyone laughed and he ran away. Eventually he tattled to Karl Hartman, who politely asked us to move.

So we did.

It pays to be nice.

We got our programs, and I laughed, because "Wheelimus Prime" from the Allspark looks like the fat love baby of Kevin Smith and Uday Hussein. Also, it was nice to point out that, appropriately enough, Kalidor is the biggest, fattest, beardiest Allsparker of them all. It was an honor and a pleasure to call him a fucking pussy to his face.

Anyway, tim eventually rolled up and we checked in and went to Steak And Shake. Mmm, bigass hot fudge brownie ice cream deal. Oh yeah. On the way, in Tonyfitz's van, for whatever reason, I screamed the word JEWS in a falsetto while making the international hand-sign for "large nose". (that would be placing your thumb below your nose and your forefinger atop your nose, so that the angle created by this resembles a large schnozz.) This was found to be fucking hilarious for some reason which I cannot remember. Possibly because there were actual jews in the van. Like MCFLY.

It was time for the semi formal dinner, so I geared up in my AWESOME SUIT and purposefully strode towards the room where the dinner was going to be. Along the way I saw notorious fashion victim Particle_Man lurking in a hallway, so I stopped him, and had the following conversation:
"Hey, Part? THIS is how you're supposed to dress for a formal dinner."
"...I'm not going this year."
"Then make a note for future reference, son."

He got mad and stormed off, and I went down to the dinner.




Check this shit, sirs.



WebTV's Frank was there, in DIRTY FUCKING DUNGAREES AND A T-SHIRT. C'mon, man. You know better. Most people dressed pretty nicely, though.

Ran into Ben Yee near the middle of the line, and we talked for a while. The conversation turned to Dreamwave, and how Matt "Jackpot" Kuphaldt is pretty much Dreamwave's token roundeye. I pointed out that Dreamwave should then hire Hooks to be their token token.
Ben pointed out that this would never work. "Hooks would start complaining, and then Pat Lee'd say 'Let's see YOU build a fucking railroad!'." I love Ben Yee. Ben, email me about that G2 Bumblebee. He's yours, just for that wisecrack. You earned it.

Oh, the dinner itself?

Eh.

Well, the veggie lasagna was good....

There was supposed to be a plate or something, and a preview of Unicron Battles, Energon, and the G1 videogame, but none of that happened. So we paid $70 to dress up and eat hotel food.

Not that the hotel food was bad, but eh.

anyway, after the dinner I was walking back to my room to change, and Particle_Man passes with a "CHEAP SUIT HOOPER". Which by the way no, it's not. Let me assure you. Not that Part would know or care, because even in a $1000 Armani, he'd still look like an ugly little troll, whereas I could sport some of HIS gaudy retard gear (assuming it was in my size) and still look SO FRESH SO CLEAN.

Anyway, Blue, McFly (formerly #WiiGii!'s Raptor), and I head down to the Parts Party in the lobby, where Bryce defaces Part's shopping list for a second year in a row. Later on, there were a bunch of fat kids fighting with those plastic lightsabers in an open area.

Part gets his hands on one, and issues an open challenge.

My ass is out of the seat and down the stairs faster than you can hum "Gonna Fly Now". It is ON. I deftly block his attacks, and occasionally wallop him a good one on that cushioned skull of his. I'm having a jolly time, striking, retreating, striking again, and Part is getting ticked. Seriously ticked.

So, to be a dick, I catch his sword with my free hand, and smack him a good one upside the head.

Motherfucker SNAPS. Totally catches me off guard and shoves me into a fat dude. What the FUCK?

Anyway, I get bored with it, and Susp tags in.

That shit was INSANE. They're all doing the two-lightsaber shit, and all of a sudden, Susp just SCREAMS and launches himself at Part. Lightsabers and glasses and hair go FLYING and next thing we know they're on the floor and Part's trying to get Susp in a headlock and holy shit Susp's got a handful of Part's underpants OH MY GOD HE'S DRAGGING HIM AROUND THE LOBBY BY AN ATOMIC WEDGIE.

Depending on your opinion of such shenanigans, this was either one of the the funniest or worst things that happened this weekend. There was a girl shooting video of the whole thing, so we went down and asked her if we could cut a promo on Part.

So we did. It went something like THIS:
"LEMME TELL YA SOMETHING PARTICLE MAN! WiiGii is ready for you, son! Anytime, anyplace! We'll slap you silly and fuck you stupid! You know, Part, you just don't understand what kind of man I am, and that's because you can't have nice things. You're the worst song in the world, played on the ugliest guitar. Remember that."
Then Susp said some stuff, and I said more stuff, but then I got bored with it, so we went back upstairs.

Eventually we went back to the DANGER ROOM and slept.